It’s not so much that I am angry about having my car broken into. Oddly enough, my annoyance that my privacy was invaded is offset by my acknowledgement that I left my doors unlocked. However, I am annoyed. And the reason is because you left my door open. I’m actually somewhat glad that you stole the Jack’s Beef Jerky from my car as I would have eventually eaten it if it were there, thus bringing out my demise a few minutes quicker than I otherwise would have done. I’m also not angry that you stole the pack of cigarettes in the console of my car. In fact, considering the fact that last I heard, each would cut 7 minutes off the end of my life, you just gave me 140 minutes to sit in pure drugged out bliss that old people have when my time comes to do so. I should also thank you for giving me an extra half hour with my wife while she drove me to the airport, the time I get to spend with her is priceless.
I can’t say I understand, though… I mean, it actually seems like a bad deal for you, as if you’d have gotten caught you would have time removed from your life (time sitting in jail and likely more time given the health risks sitting in jail seems to come with) and you’re giving me time to live longer. The stress that you will get caught likely also impacts your health. But that’s actually all aside from the point. The point is, as far as I can tell, the $10 worth of items removed from my car pales in comparison to the annoyance of having that door left open. You see, I have to wait for AAA, have them recharge the battery of my Prius (which takes some time, given the complexity of that battery and its location, apparently) and I had to have my wife drive me to the airport. That’s about 2 to 3 hours worth of time to deal with this situation. I make a little more than $3 per hour and I’m guessing that if you looked for a job you would too.
Therefore, I have an offer. Next time you need $10, please ask me. I’ll gladly just give it to you. I’m not really paying you not to break into my car or caving into car burglary extortion. It’s a good economical decision on my part. You ask, I give you money and then I don’t have to inconvenience my wife and take time off of work. I really don’t like wasting time and the annoyance of having to do so is worth an extra $1, which I will throw in as a tip. See how easy it is to get a 10% pay raise (which in this economy is nothing to turn your nose up at, let me tell you). I make more money this way, and I’m willing to allow a little trickle down of that additional income reach you (more if you’re brazen enough to ask).
Finally, don’t be stupid. Your palm prints on the windows of the cars are somewhat unique (assuming that you aren’t a clone). If the police cared enough (which I’m sure we’re all aware that they don’t), it would be trivial for them to look you up (I may be making a brash assumption that you are listed in their database, but I think it’s a fair assumption to make), find you (assuming that you’re not already in their grasps, which might delay their query) and bring about some modicum of justice. But that would take a lot of time. Time I don’t have and apparently time they don’t have either. Therefore I reiterate, if you would like a pack of smokes and some Jack’s Beef Jerky, let me know. If instead, you would just like the cash, please let me know, but please stay out of my car given that you were obviously born in a barn (I don’t think I’m actually speaking metaphorically there) and can’t seem to close the door behind you.
So, in case I wasn’t definitive on this: it’s not worth $10. But, if you do break into my car again, would you be so kind as to just knock on the door and let me know, so I can close up behind you…
PS – Thanks for not taking anything of value, such as the Mac Mini or the Fibre Channel transceivers.