The Holiday Season is upon us. My lights are up, my tree is decorated, and I’m looking forward to all the calories! And I’ve got something to help you get into the mood: Christmas movies! In fact, this is the 12 days of Christmas, where I somehow throw 112 movies out there (what can I say, I get bored easily) for your holiday spirit (or anti-spirit as the case may be) goodness.
On the First Day of Christmas, you had to watch: Die Hard. We’re gonna’ ease you into the holiday spirit. This movie isn’t about Christmas, or any other holiday exactly. It’s about Bruce Willis shooting things. It’s not first because it’s the best or worst. It’s first, because we’re gonna’ get you into the holiday spirit a little bit at a time here… “All right, listen up guys. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except..” If you need an encore, check out Lethal Weapon. They’re similar enough, like that…
On the Second Day of Christmas, you get: Trading Places. It’s like A Christmas Miracle. But with Eddie Murphy. And Dan Aykroyd. And Jamie Lee Curtis. I mean, how can you go wrong. It was 1983, so you might think they went wrong with some of the clothes and hair. But give it about 2-3 years and you won’t think that any more. From an era when you were supposed to stick it to the stodgy old men, who earned getting theirs in the end, this movie mostly stands the test of time. It’s second on the list, because it’s about taking from the man as much as giving to those in need, so we’re continuing to edge (not me, the movie) our way into the spirit, here. If you like it and need an encore, check out 1985’s Santa Clause: The Movie. It has Dudley Moore. He makes me think of getting drunk. Which they do a lot in Trading Places.
On the Third Day of Christmas, krypted gave to you: Gremlins. In this 1984 classic, it’s all about a Christmas gone terribly, terribly wrong. Like many relationships, Gizmo starts cute and cuddly and then grows sharp teeth, scales and starts attacking people. Just don’t get Gizmo wet, right? Um, ya. Cute little move, although a bit dated these days. If you’d rather watch Ben Affleck not wreck Daredevil (srsly) then check out Surviving Christmas. It has James Gandolfini, which makes it somewhat bearable.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, my true krypted gave to me: Home Alone. Yes, folks, where I learned to do many of my most successful practical jokes. You didn’t think I was original with those, did you? If you need something a bit more grown up, check out the star studded Four Christmases instead.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, krypted gave to you: The Nightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton. Christmas. Instant Classic for the Rocky Horror Picture Show crowd. Come to think of it, watch both! But really, if you haven’t seen this, you must! Or to get your sci-fi on, check out Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It’s kinda’ like The Nightmare Before Christmas meets Rocky Horror. But bad. Which makes it the perfect drinking game Christmas flick! While we’re on the Tim Burton kick though, Edward Scissorhands is kindof a Christmas movie…
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, krypted gave to you: Bad Santa. Billy Bob Thornton (Mr. Soul Patch himself) in what seems like his most natural state. He’s a petty criminal doing terrible things. And it’s Christmas. And it’s funny. You should watch it. If Bad Santa doesn’t satiate your need for crime comedies over the holidays, check out Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. That will also satisfy your Robert Downey Jr quotient.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, krypted gave to me: Tokyo Godfathers. Yes, I can’t seem to make a list of movies without some anime here and there. As usual, there’s some mystical and technology and fight scenes. But with Christmas as a backdrop. Very different than the other movies on the list. But in the holiday spirit, and a change of pace is always good! If you’d rather stay in the US, check out Friday After Next. It’s not half the movie the first was, but it’s a movie… Or just watch one of the Christmas specials from Friends. Just an FYI, I’ve never seen Friends. Just making an assumption they did a few holiday specials…
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, krypted gave to me: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. It’s weird. It makes my list because every time I go to Finland I think someone’s gonna’ stab me. If you want normal, watch Nicholas Cage (note the lack of connection in any way shape or form between these movies) in Family Man instead. OK, you got me, on the Eight Day of Christmas, I gave you one of the funniest Christmas movies ever made: A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, krypted gave to me: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I felt so much better after seeing Cousin Eddie. We’ve all got one in the family. But I didn’t know that until watching Chevy Chase in his prime deal with his family. As Christmas gets closer, it’s great to feel a bit more normal about yourself! If you want kinda’ funny and sweet instead, check out Holiday with Jack Black.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, krypted gave to me: Brazil. Yes. Terry Gilliam’s Kafka-inspired deep dive into art-nouveau-meets-dystopian-future was actually set over the holidays. Granted, this close to Christmas, you might choose to mute it and listen to that Iron-Maiden-eats-New-Kids-for-Christmas album, but hey, it’s worth it. After all, the timing is perfect if you play it backwards to that album. Since Brazil isn’t for everyone I’ll give you another option for this day: Long Kiss Goodnight. Great little flick that’s fun to watch. And it will satisfy the need for explosions and gunshots over the holidays!
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, krypted gave to me: How The Grinch Stole Christmas. That scene, where the Grinche’s Heart explodes out of its box. Holy crapola. A sweet, adorable cartoon movie, that stands the test of time. And if you have time for an encore, check out the Ron Howard directed, Jim Carrey acted, Anthony Hopkins narrated live action(ish) follow-up. It’s not the original. But it’s better than most other things from the year 2000. If you’d rather watch a horror movie on Christmas Eve, check out Santa’s Slay. And then take the Turing Test…
On the twelfth day of Christmas, krypted gave to me Love Actually. I’m a sucker for a romcom. There, I said it. Judge me all you want. But when the holidays are upon us, there might not be a better one than Love Actually. I didn’t end up seeing this when it first came out, as I was on a hiatus from movies that make people happy. But happy is what this one should make you. Every. Frickin’. Time. Especially if you watch it on Christmas, which is the day I set it to. Yes, I have a heart. But only when watching Love Actually on Christmas night. And if you don’t like Love Actually, then check out SantaWith Muscles, starring Hulk Hogan. Or watch the Grinch again and hope your heart finally grows…
Honorable mentions:
Additional animated flicks for the kiddos: A Charlie Brown Christmas, The Little Drummer Boy, Ernest Saves Christmas (OK, it’s not animated, but the kids are sure to love it!), The Polar Express, Mickey’s Christmas Carol, Arthur Christmas, Frosty The Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Muppet Christmas Carol
The Classics, which include We’re No Angels, A Christmas Story, A Christmas Carol, 8 Women, It’s A Wonderful Life, The Bishop’s Wife, Miracle on 34th Street, Stalag 17, The Shop Around The Corner, Meet John Doe, The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t, Holiday Inn, The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek, Remember the Night, The Apartment, The Nutcracker, Bush Christmas, It Happened On Fifth Avenue, Holiday Affair, Christmas in Connecticut, Meet Me in St. Louis, The Holly and the Ivy
From the past couple of decades: Scrooged, Elf, Unaccompanied Minors, A Midnight Clear, UN CONTE DE NOËL, In Bruges, The Santa Clause, One Magic Christmas, Tangerine, Batman Returns, The Nativity Story, Prancer, Jingle All The Way, About a Boy (surprisingly not about NAMBLA), The Family Stone (not at all like the classic Heinlein book: Rolling Stones), Scrooge, Eyes Wide Shut, Joyeux Noël
Christmas Horror Movies: Black Christmas, Sint, The Dead, Krampus, Silent Night Deadly Night, Jack Frost, One Hell Of A Christmas, Don’t Open Till Christmas, Santa Claws, To All A Goodnight, The Children, Treevenge, Feeders 2: Slay Bells, Home for the Holidays, Elves, Christmas Evil
Note entirely honorable mentions (which isn’t to say they suck, but they might): Christmas with the Kranks, The Lemon Drop Kid, All I Want for Christmas, Just Friends, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, Angels Sing, Beyond Tomorrow, Metropolitan, Home Alone 2, The Best Man Holiday, Reindeer Games, The Santa Clause 2: The Mrs Clause, Trapped in Paradise, Susan Slept Here, The Ref, Mixed Nuts, While You Were Sleeping, The Man who Came To Dinner, White Christmas, Bell Book and Candle