Many devices die the day their warranty expires, but my trusty Apple Airport that carries wireless signal to my drums lasted forever. OK, not forever, But let me tell you, music notes can visibly be seen traveling through the air to get to me when I’m on those drums and that Airport is beaming Spotify or Apple Music to me. And this Airport, it just kept huffing and puffing along. For 6 years, as though to say, “I must be worth more per day of use that that craptastic Linksys the neighbor spent $40 on.” It’s a pride thing, ya’ know… Until today. And let me tell you, you gotta’ have wireless signal extended to your drums. So what do you do? You go to the Apple Store. I jump back in my little Prius, and go to pull out of my garage, about 3 miles from the mall. And pulling out of my alley the traffic starts.
Seriously, there’s never traffic on my street. I look at the next street, and there are people trying to pull out of their house too. And we’re all just kinda’ stuck. All pointing in the same direction. I try to pull onto the street, but the 84 year old lady next door is already there, and flicks me off. This, after I raked her leaves all fall. And trimmed her bushes. I figure maybe she doesn’t recognize me, but then she tells me to roll my window down. I do, and she says “Charles, if you try to pull in front of me, I’ll kneecap you in your sleep.” Guess she does recognize me…
After she pulls up, I edge into the lane and she flicks me off again from her rear-view mirror. Aggressive. I get my phone out and put on a little music. My soundtrack for this drive will be That’s Still Mama, from Cody ChesnuTT. I recommend reading this to that soundtrack.
There’s a wall of cars. More cars than I’ve ever seen in my neighborhood. And it’s snowing. When I make a right turn a couple of blocks later it’s a straight shot to the mall. I can see ahead of me, there’s a sea of cars. And there are people getting out of their cars, running away. Why? Because there’s a group of nuns eating a poor child. Once all of the cars are clear, I see the nuns jump up, wipe off, and the kid gets up. Wait, what? They jump in their van and drive along the shoulder in a straight shot to the mall. Wow, the kind of preparation to fake a zombie apocalypse in order to get to the mall quicker, that’s some serious premeditation… Then I recognize them. They chased me a few years ago in the mall… I look at my watch and remember that back in 2009, I took a trip to the Apple Store on a random Friday to get a new Airport. It turned out to be quite an adventure, filled with homicidal nuns, a vorpal bell toting Salvation Army guy (very different than a green army guy), and a hipster wearing an outfit that has now become somewhat mainstream (as all edge fashions will do before they become old hat and you get stoned for wearing them). You can find the description of this journey here: https://krypted.com//mac-os-x/friday/.
You know, this year, I think I can do without my wireless, so I just go home. One less flannel-wearing bearded guy to contend with. And one who will have his holiday decorations done today. Happy holidays, ya’ll.