Tiny Deathstars of Foulness

Had the idea for this one during a yoga class the other day. It starts out like this:

This may sound a little surprising, but yoga and business have a lot in common. Yoga teaches us about depth and focus. But as I’ve learned, yoga can also provide valuable lessons about how to successfully run a business. And not just in regards to emotional IQ. Here are some of the top lessons that I’ve brought to how I do business from my yoga practice.

Read on here…

Anything I missed?

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June 26th, 2016

Posted In: Articles and Books, Business, personal

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June 25th, 2016

Posted In: personal

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“Body Massage Machine Go” Seriously, though… Be safe out there. “Pork Chop Sandwiches”

May 31st, 2016

Posted In: personal

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So you don’t like that one post I wrote 9 years ago? Or the one from two days ago? Or a whole series of articles I wrote because they aren’t pertinent to you? Or because you disagree with my opinion (I don’t put a ton of opinions on here btw)?


Keep in mind, this is a blog. I’ll write about what interests me, or what’s on my mind. That might be Rainbow Dash fan fiction. Or how much I identified with a character in a movie or video game recently. Or how to do IFS-style loops and arrays in Powershell when translating some logic from Bash to Powershell. Or how to repair a volume in OS X. You can read it, or not… I enjoy writing and I’ll bet most people will encounter something useful here, but not everything will appeal to everyone. And that’s fine. For both of us.

What I do care about: Mistakes. Even if it’s an old article, I’d like to indicate when the tech has changed. But keeping up with 4,000+ articles is hard, and I can’t know when each needs to either be forked into a second article that’s current or when I need to indicate a version number. Or if I’m just wrong. It happens… Or even grammatical issues with articles. I care about all of that.

In fact, I might even be willing to make others editors here, and am always willing to accept guest content and recommendations for articles (I get about one a week and write about 80% of what people ask me to write). Use the comments as you wish. But please nice when letting me know there are mistakes or outdated content. I make nothing off this site and with the high load of traffic, it does cost a pretty sum to maintain, after all.



May 15th, 2016

Posted In: personal

May 14th, 2016

Posted In: personal

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It all began with: “There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.” It’s awful. But these days, there are soooooo, sooooooo many awful computery jokes to choose from. Such jokes. All the laugh. I’ve been collecting silly nerdy jokes about computers in a sticky for years. Now, you can read some of them! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. Enjoy!

What did the computer have at lunchtime?
A byte

What do computers snack on?

There are no shortcuts in life, unless you right click and find one…

Why was there a bug in the computer?
Because it was looking for a byte to eat

Program, noun: A magic spell cast upon a computer to enable it to turn input into error messages.

Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They hate that!

One day, a prince goes to a lair to kill the dragon. The prince cuts off his head but two new heads appear. The prince cuts off the two heads and four appear, after cutting those off 16 appear. Then 32, 64, 128, and finally after the prince cuts off 256 heads the dragon dies. Why?
It was an 8 bit dragon

What’s a programmer’s favorite place to hang out?
Foo bar

Computers let you make more mistakes than any other invention in history. With the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?
A screensaver

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that there must be exactly three terminations: one at each end of the cable, and one for the goat, terminated over the SCSI chain with a silver-handled knife burning black candles.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a virus

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness

Is the aT symbol lower or uppercase?

Why did the concurrent chicken cross the road?
The side other To to get

Why did Microsoft name their new search engine BING?
Because It’s NOT Google!

Optimist : The glass is half full.
Pessimist : The glass is half empty.
Coder: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

“The cool part about naming you kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.”
-Bill Murray

“I’m not interrupting you, I’m putting our conversation in full-duplex mode.”
– Antone Roundy

C++ and C walk into a bar. C++ tells C it has no class.


Three developers go into a bar and sit down at a table. The first holds up two fingers and says “Three beers”.

3 developers walk into a NoSQL bar. They left because they couldn’t find a table.

Why did the devops developer quit his job?
He didn’t get arrays

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what they’re doing until it’s too late

How did the computer get out of prison?
Used the escape key

What did the spider make on the computer?
A website

A developer had a problem and decided to use Java. They now have a ProblemFactory.

Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, F1! F1!, but no one understood.

What does a proud computer call his little son?
A microchip off the old block.

Algorithm: A word used by programmers when they don’t want to actually explain what it is that they did.

A man shouts “Can you hear me?” to his son. The son says “What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?” The dad then yells back “No, restart the router, please!”

Enumerator? I barely knew her…

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.

How many UX developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone “this behavior is by design”

When does a Boolean evaluated expression change a light bulb?
After a while

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Lightbulb is a class with method screw() so it can screw itself.

How many technical writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the customer will figure it out

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you would have to do is call the light-bulb-change method.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb works just fine on the machine at my desk…

How many IT Support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you tried turning it Off and On again?

Child: When I grow up I want to be a Ruby programmer.
Parent: You’ll have to make you’re mind up. You won’t be able to do both.

What’s the object-oriented way to get rich?

The shortest joke about programming:
I’m nearly done!

What are the 2 kinds of SQL developers?
Those who know how COUNT() treats NULLs, those who don’t, and those who don’t care

When your hammer is bash, everything looks like a thumb.

The sign of a compulsive programmer is somebody who can count up to 1023 on their fingers (OMG terrible binary joke)

What do you mean, it needs comments!? If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand–why do you think we call it code?

if (sad() == true) {sad.stop.();beAwesome();}

Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much Java

Chuck Norris writes code that debugs itself.

A Java architect, a .NET developer, and a COBOL graybeard walk into a bar. The barkeeper does a double-take and says… what is this, some kind of joke?

Why don’t programmers pray?
They don’t like throwing null pointer exceptions!

Save the mallocs, free them all!


Kleeneliness is next to Gödeliness

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

Why did the fly never land on the computer?
He was afriad of the world wide web.

How long does it take to copy a file in Vista?
I don’t know either; I’m still waiting to find out.

Why shouldn’t Facebook have paid $1 billion dollars for Instagram?
They could’ve downloaded it for free!

What do you call a Swedish software developer?

Why did the computer act crazy?
It had a screw loose

RFC 2324:

When Shakespeare asked “To be, or not to be?”, he did not provide the answer. But 2B |~ 2B is FF

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Why was the JavaScript developer sad?
She didn’t Node how to Express herself

KDE is like eating bugs. It’s all right once you get used to it…

What sits on your shoulder and goes “Pieces of 7! Pieces of 7!”?
A Parroty Error!

XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.

A couple that does SEO work had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.

What computer sings the best?
A Dell

If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0!

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

What is the difference between a programmer and someone that doesn’t write code?
A non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters

What do airports and computers have in common?

Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, “hey, I want don’t any conditions race like time last!”

0 is false and 1 is true, right?

It’s been said that if you play a Windows DVD backwards, you’ll hear Satanic chanting…worse still if you play it forwards, it installs Windows.

A Turing machine walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “what will you have?” After waiting a while for an answer, the bartender becomes impatient. “Cmon, what’s taking you so long?” The Turing machine replies, “I can’t decide.”

How can you tell the difference between an introverted software engineer and an extroverted software engineer?
The extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you

I’m nervous about programming in an untyped language—my penmanship is awful!

There’s no place like

There’s no place like ::1

I’m not bald, I just have “margin-top: 200px;”

How many consultants does it take to kill a cockroach?
Two: One to hold it still, the other to install Windows on it

What does a baby computer call its father?

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

The word “algorithm” was coined to recognise Al Gore’s contribution to computer science.

Cross platform apps are like unisex underwear.

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give them a bottle of shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”

.NET is called .NET so that it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.

Computers are high-speed idiots, managed and developed by by low-speed idiots.

My password is “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”

Why did the Windows machine lose its trust relationship with the domain?
Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and added again!

Old Dvorak had a farm, . c . c r

All programs are poems; not all programmers are poets

Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!

Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully

If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a python script. The rest of them will write bash scripts.

Why can’t computers play tennis?
They just surf the net.

A programmer goes to the store and asks “Do you have brown eggs?”
The clerk says “Yes”
The programmer then says “Then give me 10 sausages, please.”

Waiter: Do u have any questions about the menu?
What kind of font is this?

“Knock, knock. Who’s there?”
very long pause…

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet?
They work below C-level.

A SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

A developer is sent to the grocery store with instructions to “buy butter and see whether they have eggs, if they do, then buy 10.” Returning with 10 butters, the developer says, “they had eggs.”

What happened when the web developers met?
Love at first site!

Why was the computer cold?
It left it’s Windows open

What does a computer scientist wear on Halloween?
A bit-mask

Why do developers go broke?
They use up all their cache

If Java is the answer, it must have been a really verbose question.

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

Nothing seems hard to the people who don’t know what they’re talking about.

Why was the computer late to work?
He had a hard-drive.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
Lots of memory

What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbit

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working when you open too many Windows

Who is this Mailer Daemon? And why is he sending my emails back to me?!?!

The man who invented autocorrect has died. His funfair is next Monkey.

I’m sorry for my terrible English, but my native language is Perl.

What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar!

If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I’d antialias my graphics!

Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they can’t C#

C++, where your friends can touch your private parts.

If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A 1000 lb know-it-all.

Why doesn’t the elephant use the computer?
Because it is afraid of the mouse!

Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on it’s mouse

Why did the cat sit on the computer?
To keep an eye on the mouse

Why couldn’t the dinosaur play games on the computer?
Because he ate the mouse

Where do all the cool mice live?

Why can’t cats use computers?
Because they only want to chase the mouse

How does a tree get on the computer?
It logs on!

What did the computer say to the cookie?
Can I have your chocolate chip?

A girl asked her mother, a software developer, why the sun rises in the east, and sets in the west. Her response?
It works, don’t touch!

Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code

Yes, I’m sure I used the right password, I saw Bob next to me enter it on his computer.

And then of course, “In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.” Now, what are your favorites?!?! And feel free to pop in an image of your favorite shirt as well, like “I failed the Turing Test” or “Go Away Or I Will Replace You With A Very, Very Small Shell Script!”

May 13th, 2016

Posted In: personal, Programming

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Things to Do In Austin In May

Diverse, fun and infused with culture, Austin is the capital of Texas and home to a prosperous community and a wide variety of culture, from the world class cuisine in the many fine restaurants, the growing population of infamous tech companies, the summer festivals and creative atmosphere, to the magnificent country music in what is also referred to as the Live music capital of the world (although Nashville, Athens, and other cities might have some arguing of that point).

Here are some great things to do when you visit Austin: 

  1. Austin City Limits

I grew up seeing acts including Willie Nelson, Little Feat, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Lyle Lovett, Merle Haggard, George Strait, REM, and everyone who was anyone play at Austin City Limits. The same is true today. It’s like playing at the Grand Ole Opry, but open to acts that today include the Arctic Monkeys, Lumineers, Alabama Shakes, Bon Iver, and this year Robert Plant even played. I put this as number on on my Austin list. If you never come back, you have to do this. Even if you’re a vegetarian (‘cause yup, #2 is eat BBQ).

You should also check out the Paramount theatre. But not until you’ve seen a show at Austin City Limits.

  1. Enjoy some of the best BBQ food in the world

Smokey Denmark’s, Valentinas Tex Mex, Lamberts and Rollin Smoke  BBQ; Austin is overflowing with amazing restaurants serving the most succulent meats, steaks, ribs and barbecue delights. While the town may be synonymous with live music, this is certainly the case when it comes to food and in particular, barbecued food. You would be hard pushed to find a better selection of barbecue restaurants anywhere in the US, or the world for that matter.

Freedman’s, Blacks and Kerlin all have an incredible menu on offer although they can also be a little expensive depending on your budget. However, if you make it to Ruby’s BBQ in the early evening, you can join the many students taking advantage of special promotions.

  1. Vegetarian

If you’re a vegetarian, go to Veggie Heaven instead

  1. Sample the infamous Austin nightlife

Often referred to as the “Live music capital of the world”, a night out on 6th Street in Austin is simply unforgettable and little wonder given how there are more than 150 live music venues offering a sublime mix of blues, jazz, rock, hip-hop and more. Some of the most famous of these venues are Club DeVille and The Mowhawk, while the Continental Club is renowned for being the birthplace of the music venue scene. And then there are the traditional dance halls where visitors can learn Texas Two Step, the Broken Spoke is arguably the most popular dance hall in Texas. Regardless of your interest, when you visit Texas in May, there will be no end of amazing experiences to sample after dark.

  1. Have food and nightlife

And for a fusion food/nightlife moment, check out the calendar for Stubbs and see if there’s a show you’d like gorge yourself by:

  1. Explore the attractions in Zilker Park

Across the river in Austin, an enormous park is waiting to be explored, where you can hike, swim, climb of follow on of the many trails through stunning scenery. Zilker Park offers a quick escape from the bustling city and it is not only a leafy or scenic place to enjoy, but also home to several attractions including the UMLAUF Sculpture Garden & Museum, the Botanical Gardens and a Nature and Science Center which gives you the opportunity to unearth some dinosaur fossils.

  1. Take a cultural tour of the State Capitol

Restored in the 1980’s, the State Capitol is a prime example of the many cultural buildings still standing in Austin today. Originally opened to the public in 1888, the unusual pink color gives the architecture a unique identity and the exterior makes for an awe inspiring sight.

Visitors can take a fascinating tour of the interior of the building which includes the original hall chamber and the governor’s receiving room, while a self guided brochure will explain the background of each monument or room, and most of the grounds are also open for the public to explore.

  1. Get your hike on at Lady Bird Lake

Bike, hike, or just take a picnic to a beautiful spot, that is sure to delight. How much more Texas do you get when Longhorn Dam makes Lady Bird Lake in downtown Austin? Apparently, the former First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson was integral to the creation of this lake, and so it was later named after her. It’s like many lakes throughout downtown areas of major cities, with the addition that teams from the University of Texas can be seen here pretty much year round. I’ve seen people fishing here and while there are obviously polluted lakes around cities, this isn’t one of them. I might swim in it, but I certainly wouldn’t eat fish out of it. And if you happen to be there wen there are fireworks, it’s seriously amaze amaze amazing.

  1. Hike Some more

Mount Bonnell has a great view and a bit more expansive. Earlier in the summer is way prettier, before the dust makes everything a bit tan/reddish. It’s like Camelback in Phoenix.

  1. Check Out LBJ’s Presidential Library

From Monticello to the Carter Presidential Library, most former presidents have some kind of tribute to their time in office. And these offer a candid snapshot not only to the person who served that role, but also to the world they were in, and how that shaped their candidacy and presidency. LBJ was one of the more interesting presidents, serving in the House of Representatives from 1937-1949, as a US Senator from 1949 to 1961, as Vice President under Kennedy from 1961-1963 and then as President from 1963 to 1969. He served as president during Vietnam, civil rights turmoil, Medicare, immigration reform, reforms to social security, and so much more. But perhaps the most important thing about LBJ that I learned from visiting his library was just how much of a political machine he built, and how he could have run for another term, but had basically lost control of the party by the race in 1968. I love going to these kinds of places!

  1. Breakfast Tacos

Get your Torchy’s breakfast tacos. Seriously, almost as good as the breakfast burritos on that spot on Main Street in Santa Monica that I don’t think has a name. Crazy noms. Speaking of breakfast tacos, Polvos has the best guac in town in my opinion. I realize that might be fighting words for some. But rather than fight about it, I’d prefer to be proven wrong. J

  1. Keep getting your museums on

OK, so the Bullock Texas State History Museum, dozens of museums around the campus at the University of Texas, etc. Like mot capital cities, this one has no shortage of publicly funded places to see political, art (The Blanton Museum of Art), and other museums. Most importantly though, all things Texas. The Harry Ransom Center, and the list goes on and on.

  1. Circuit of the Americas

F1 racing. No need to say more! I think one of only 3 F1 tracks I’ve been to. Fun times and very different from other kinds of racing! And when you’re done, head over to K1 Speed of Austin for some racing of your own!

  1. Festivals in Austin, Texas

As with much of the summer months, Austin is a hive of activity in the month of May (e.g. if you’re there for with a large number of festivals taking place. For anyone interested in film, the Cine Las Americas International Film Festival covers a variety of films from the Americas, the Caribbean and even the Iberia Peninsula. Most of these movies are of Latin origin, although some are based on other natives in the regions. The Old Pecan Street Spring Arts Festival is an enormous art festival which is most ideal for families and then the West Austin Studio Tour is a festival of a more general nature, showcasing the creative talent in the are through art galleries and exhibitions. Regardless of which one you choose, the festivals in Texas make for a great time to visit. Of course, there’s as well, although I think Aces will be a little more fun. 😉

  1. Karaoke

All college towns (and yes, Austin, I’m lookin’ at you as a college town) have decent to fair karaoke. Never great, never awful. Sing your heart out at Karaoke Underground. I did Public Image Limited. I was sober. OK, no, I did Sex Pistols and wasn’t…

  1. Learn to Two Step

Hit the Broken Stpoke or another bar to see people dancing the night away, the same way they’ve done since the 30s. Cowboy hats, boots, belt buckles, and a disposition that’s the only thing sweeter than the tea in these parts.

  1. Have great coffee

I like Dominican Joe. But like all the coffee shops in all the college towns in all the universes, I really don’t think you can go wrong… For example, Spiderhouse doesn’t have great anything, except peoplewatching.

  1. Foooooootball

I love me some sportsball. Especially football. And few places sport better fans than the University of Texas at Austin. People here bleed Burnt Orange. Not all, but most. This article is more for visiting in the spring (e.g. for Aces), but you know, even if you can’t see a game that time of the year, you can still ask a local “What do you think of Coach Strong?” Even if you don’t know anything about foosball (yes, that’s another pop culture reference), it’s still the right thing to do.

  1. Check out a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse

It’s one of those “Keep Austin Weird” kinda’ places. It’s an amazing theatre, where you can enjoy cult classic movies with a beer. Similar to the State Theater in Athens, Georgia. Big, cheep, usually crappy beer pairs very, very well with movie marathons.

  1. Buy weird stuffs

So much awesome. Such happy. Stop by the City Wide Garage Sale, Uncommon Objects, Charm School, and Monkies Vintage. And then head to the Cathedral of Junk so you don’t buy too much of it!

The sun rising over the Wells Fargo building in Austin, TX in February 2013

April 24th, 2016

Posted In: personal, public speaking

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MacDevOps 2016: f you’re interested in the scripting side of the Apple world and can make it from June 20th to 21st, this might just be the conference for you. At MacDevOps, you’ll see “Speakers from across North America and Europe will be presenting on a number of topics related to Mac administration and deployment.” This would be things like contributing to open source projects, packaging Django web apps to look like native Mac apps, osquery, Munki security, imagr, autopkg, ansible, git, and jenkins. Basically, automating the things: DevOps. And for Macs. Or Appley things. For now.

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And… Lots of fun people will be there. including the convergence of friends from other industries who don’t know that each other know me (nor would they likely care – other than to trade stories about how I made them drink something-or-other), which is kinda’ cool.  Anyway, Mathieu’s awesome. You should check this out.

April 3rd, 2016

Posted In: Articles and Books, personal

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The podcast we’ve started doing for is now up on iTunes! Find it here. 

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March 31st, 2016

Posted In: personal, public speaking

When I was speaking at MacADUK, I asked Tom Bridge about starting a podcast. He’s got a great voice, and I thought he’d be a great co-host. Before we were able to get to that when we got home, Adam Codega, independently of the conversation I’d had with Tom, dropped a note on Twitter to see who else might be interested in doing a Podcast. A few people responded that they’d be interested in also jumping in on a new Podcast. Over the next few weeks, decisions were made that the podcast would be hosted as a part of, the format, the hosting location, and lots of other really cool stuff. And some of us got together and recorded the first episode. And then, last night, we recorded the second episode just in time to get that into editorial before Episode 1 is released.

And soooooo, episode 1 is out! It includes Tom Bridge, Emil Kausalik, Adam Codega, and myself. We also have an interview with some of the organizers from the Penn State Mac Admins conference, which I wasn’t able to sit in on, but find just fantastic. And Tom did some of the editing. Aaron Lippincott (@dials-Mavis) did a lot of work on the mastering and deserves lots of credit there (he made everyone sound way betterer). And John Kitzmiller did a lot of work on the domain and website and DNS type of stuff, as well as helping with hosting of the podcast assets as well. And Adam’s done a lot of work on the back end linking things together, so a great team effort.

The next episode also features Pepijn Bruienne and Marcus Ransom (who I lovingly decided we should call the He-Man of the Mac Universe) and covers the latest iOS 9.3 release, as well as some information about the Classroom app. So stay tuned for that, but click below to give the episode a listen, or find on iTunes once it appears (and I’ll post a link to that once we can).

Overall, I’m really stoked to get this thing going, and that the group has built a great system for future episodes, that should be sustainable for many, many episodes. I’m also really stoked to be able to get to work with this specific group – I’m a big fan of everyone, and I look forward to many episodes to come! So follow on Twitter at @MacAdmPodcast and feel free to let us know if you’ve done something awesome and we should mention it or interview you!

Episode 1: It Begins

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March 28th, 2016

Posted In: iPhone, Mac OS X, Mac OS X Server, Mac Security, Mass Deployment, Network Infrastructure, personal

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