35 Football Phrases That Sounded Dirty To Me…

The football season is basically over for me. The University of Georgia was a good five yards from playing for the national title, but we won our bowl game. And the Vikings are now out of the playoffs having been crushed by the Packers while Christian Ponder was out. The time around New Years is always my favorite football time of the year. I end up watching a lot of football. It’s the best time of the year to see teams from different conferences play each other who normally maybe don’t. And it’s the time of the year that the sportscasters are so busy at work, they don’t really think about what they say before they say it sometimes. Football is always full of terms that sound dirty given the right circumstance, but Bowl season is the best time of the year. And this year, I wrote some down. So here’s my list of 30 football sayings that sounded dirty (and maybe they are or maybe they aren’t!) in no particular order:
  1. “He trusts his own skills so much, sometimes he tries to squeeze it into too tight a spot”
  2. “Just shove it right in that seam”
  3. “It’s all about the penetration”
  4. “That’s the second time he’s gone all the way tonight”
  5. “Sometimes you just have to pound it in there”
  6. “Quest for the ball”
  7. “The straight man just couldn’t get to the ball in time”
  8. “He pump fakes and then puts one where only the receiver could get to it”
  9. “The way this front four penetrates”
  10. “He’s got the best hands in college football”
  11. “You have to fight for every inch”
  12. “Desperately looking to score”
  13. “Crystal balls are forever”
  14. “The way they squeeze the tight end in there”
  15. “Keep him away from the ball”
  16. “When you put eight men in the box against these guys, you’re gonna’ run into problems”
  17. “The things they can stuff into that kind of space is amazing”
  18. “And he scores on the end around”
  19. “He’s going deep… and it popped right out”
  20. “He thought he got it off, but it came right back in his face”
  21. “And they get him from behind”
  22. “Another illegal block in the back”
  23. “That’s the first illegal touching of the night”
  24. “They sure are scoring easy tonight”
  25. “When you’re under a 300 pound center that’s bound to happen”
  26. “And the backfield is in motion”
  27. “He just beats his man to the ball”
  28. “The slot man just couldn’t get there in time”
  29. “I’m sure he’ll be coming out early”
  30. “He sees the hole and gets right up in there”
  31. “He can just be so explosive when he puts his mind to it”
  32. “It just squirted right out of there”
  33. “When there’s a pile of 10 or 11 guys sweaty you just don’t want to be on bottom”
  34. “Ya, he came ready to play tonight!”
  35. “Sometimes you just have to stay in one position”

How Lane Kiffin Starts The Zombie Apocalypse

As many of my readers will note, I am a big fan of the University of Georgia football team. Sure, we have really crappy graphic design, but it’s a great school and if it weren’t for Athens you wouldn’t have rock lobsters, widespread panics or any REM in your sleep. Athens is a great music town, but it’s an even better football town. Especially when there is buzz of a potential national title berth. I’m excited too, but I hate rooting against teams. I prefer to root for a team and just let the rest be what it is. It just feels guilty to be stoked over the poor kids at Oregon and Kansas State, just for a shot to beat ‘Bama to play for a title. But it occurs to me watching ESPN analysts (yes, the first four letters of that word made me laugh as well) that you simply can’t project possible outcomes in any sport. Therefore, I felt it important to project (and yes, when you project you’re projecting) the best possible college football national title scenario: USC beats Notre Dame, Georgia beats ‘Bama, Oregon falls to Oregon State, Florida beats Florida State in their season finale, South Carolina knocks off Clemson and Kansas State suffers a loss in the Big 12 title game. This would lead to a Georgia-Florida rematch in the national title game. After the ‘Bama-LSU debacle last year, pandemonium would ensue and perhaps Bill Belichick would have to step in and decide who the best team in the country is, all by his lonesome (after all, he’s the NFL version of Nick Saban). He declares Wesleyan the national title winner (he was a center there don’cha’know), even though they’re a Div III team and of course, Tim Cook, being an Auburn alumn doesn’t stand for such an insult to the SEC and prompts the iPads and iPhones in the world with a message to rebel. Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to step in (after all, if you cross the former Governor of California with a Terminator you get a USC back really worth paying), but fumbles, which sparks the zombie apocalypse. Yes, that’s it. I just linked USC to the zombie apocalypse. It’s all Lane Kiffin’s fault. He is evil I tell you, and he must go. Actually, they’re on probation – which means Monty doesn’t let him leave the house after 8pm except on game nights. Anyway, back to Maryland joining the Big 10. They would be the 5th team in the conference to do a Gangnam Style YouTube video, so they got an invite and vote on it on Monday. Now, you might think that 5 of 10 teams is 50% but you’re wrong. Just before the Zombie Apocalypse, the Big 10 bent the time-space-counting continuum and made a conference with 13 teams called the Big 10. However, given that 2,500 students attended a Gangnam Style flash mob at Maryland, it’s somewhat surprising they have any Physics classes left, so an alternate theory (after all, this could be true in an alternate universe, right?!?!) is that they haven’t learned to count in that conference (or the Big 12, which ironically has 8 or 9 or 10 teams – can’t keep track they keep bolting so fast) as they keep skipping Math 099 in favor of dance classes.
Anyway, back to Texas. I can’t believe the Pac 12 almost destabilized their entire conference by allowing disproportionate checks to be cut every year to member teams. Yes, the reason the Big 12 has the problems it has is that different teams get different amounts of money for TV deals. The only thing that matters in college football any more is TV deals, btw. If you don’t believe me, watch the above video and think that one of the worse teams in the ACC is potentially going to the Big 10 just so they can get in on the media markets stretching from Virginia, through DC and up into, well, Maryland. Granted, the SEC wanted Texas A&M to get the fertile recruiting grounds (which really means media markets) of Texas, but that’s aside from the point: Texas is breaking the Big 12 and the only people that would put up with it are schools that have been begging to join the Big 12 or a bigger conference for decades and are totally stoked to finally get in. Now that the Big East has been shagged absolutely rotten and had their innocence and good members stolen by other conferences it’s time for the conferences to start raiding the ACC. If you have 16-team conferences, you need fewer of them, right. But really, they did a Gangnam Style parody at Texas too, although with far fewer people ’cause apparently they have to go to class or something…
The popularity contest of conferences means that if Maryland leaves for the Big 10 and Rutgers goes with them that the Big East continues a futile search for the meaning of life (42) and Rutgers, the original source of college football, goes back to a somewhat elite status provided they can continue to claw their way back up (“Shut up, we were good back in 1869, man!”). Princeton, the team they beat that fateful November 6th in 1869, still looking for revenge, decides that since the NCAA and the BCS have destroyed football that they must end football once and for all. To do so, they develop a new disease called WalterChaunceyCampitis, which has no impact other than to make people not like football. Problem is, they decide to start with some Div III team no one cares about: Wesleyan. Patient 0 just took a new coaching job there, after being one of the few coaches anywhere fired for going 8-4. Little did they know that without love of football, most people were just… Zombies. And of course, zombies have to try and infect everyone else, spreading their apathy. Of course, Atlanta has a lot of University of Georgia alumns, which is why those walking dead refugees retreated to the land of the SEC, where no amount of brain sucking conference jumping can stand in the way of playing for a 7th straight national title, if only to piss off Jimbo Fisher, who was apparently caught impersonating Lane Kiffin in a Twitter account (he would have impersonated Mora but UCLA won and Mora tends to send snipers after people who do that anyway) by continuing to tweet: FSU #1. Given only one person believes that, Rick Grimes knew right where to find him, while searching Patient 0. He was easy to find, too. He was getting his butt kicked somewhere in North Carolina State. And really, Notre Dame would have beaten USC to keep this whole thing from unfolding if only Lane Kiffin had fired his dad. But he didn’t, because dear old dad is not only a legend, but he’s still a good coach. And he’s dad of course. And of course, dad beats Notre Dame ’cause otherwise there’d be no walkers. Anyway, back to Oregon. Other than the University of Georgia, they’ve become one of my favorite teams in the country. They started this run with Chip Kelly with limited resources (other than that guy from Nike helping them out). They have the wackiest uniforms in the country, belong to a conference where the ability to count was important to conference members and they were the first school to do a Gangnam Style video. They run a wacky offense. They have this next man up thing, where everyone tries really hard and gives a crap. They are the opposite of apathy. When they get beat, it’s not from lack of trying and it really sucked to watch, even though my team potentially benefited from it.
But at the end of the day, Oregon is a team that thrives and gameplans on things like rhythm and inertia. And every now and then a team with a singular name that should be plural and a mascot of a sickly tree in Palo Alto waltzes in and beat them in overtime. And it’s a loss to be proud of, ’cause it was a bloody, trench warfare fight and both teams ended up escaping infection by Kiffin. Part of me hopes they get to play for a national title still. And since their QB is a freshman, he at least probably will (unless he goes pro too early like the guy in his spot before him did – although he can’t do it this year according to Marice Clarett) along with the guy who he beat out for his spot, Johnny Football. That’s another guy spared from the apathy apocalypse. And everyone else who actually plays their hearts out consistently. Anyone can be great at times, but to be great consistently is rare and the biggest obstacle to doing so is apathy. PS – I’ll tell you who’s the first guy to get his brains eaten: A guy told me to stop posting things about college football on my website 5 or 6 years ago and I did. But recently I realized I never really liked him. He wouldn’t have made it this far through this post. In fact, I doubt anyone did… But if you did, you’re spared, unless you’re that guy. ‘Cause I like football.

25 College Team Names That Make Ya' Wonder

I love college football. Anyone who knows me, probably knows what I’m doing about this time on a Saturday. And while I hail from the SEC, went to Georgia and have always loved “old man style” football, I’ve also lived in Southern California and now in Minneapolis where I’ve gotten to enjoy Pac 12 and Big 10 football. Doing work at Big 12 and Big East schools has also led to me attending many a game in many a stadium. I’ve also always loved watching teams that just plain suck or teams that no one has ever heard of. They have more heart than an entire division of NFL teams combined. In short, I’ll watch pretty much any football, any time. In my travels, I’ve come across many a team who have names that just make me wonder what in tarnation they were thinkin’. So I’ve compiled a list on this beautiful college football Saturday. Here goes:
  1. Demon Deacons of Wake Forest: A guy in a top had rides onto the field on a motorcycle. I know, it sounds like Stan Lee in the 60’s, right. But Wake Forest is a Baptist college, so after being called the Baptists, or Old Gold and Black for a few decades, in 1923 a few people started calling them the Demon Deacons due to a fighting spirit of sorts. Given that a bunch of Baptist old timers took awhile to come around to such a name, in 1941 the Demon Deacon became the official mascot, originally being picked by one of the fraternities on campus.
  2. Georgetown Hoyas comes from “What Rocks” in Greek, Hoya Saxa!. Now, running around chanting Greek isn’t probably what most people think of a ruckus college crowd these days, but this name goes all the way back to 1893! Their mascot is a bulldog, so I’ve always had a soft spot for ’em.
  3. Stormy Petrels is a name I don’t know that I’d of heard if I weren’t from Georgia. This is the name of of the Oglethorpe University team and comes from a seabird. It came by the way of a college president in 1915 and supposedly dates all the way back to James Oglethorpe, the founder of the Georgia colony.
  4. Boll Weevils are the number one enemy of cotton. And if you’ve ever opened up some flour filled with these little devils then you might get totally squeezy seeing an 8 foot tall one roaming the sidelines of the University of Arkansas at Monticello. A great name for a team in 1920, when they got the name. The women’s teams are known as the Cotton Blossoms. Makes you wonder what exactly what the big industry is in that area…
  5. Hokies is the name of the team out of Virginia Tech. They’re not having a great season, but they have been pretty darn good ever since a guy named Michael Vick went there. The name means nothing, except for to millions of college football fans.
  6. Tar Heels is the name of the North Carolina team. I’ve been unable to ascertain where the name originated, but Walt Whitman did call North Carolinians tarboilers, so I’ll go with people that were unlucky enough to step in tar. The Hokies and the Tar Heels are both in the ACC.
  7. Anteaters of University of California Irvine. This name isn’t over 100 years old, but it is closing in on 50 years old. The name was chosen by students, soon after the school was founded, in 1965.
  8. Ichabods of Washburn University in Kansas are named after college a headless horseman. Actually, they aren’t. The name hails from the founder of the school, Ichabod Washburn. But don’t tell the guys on the other side of the lines that!
  9. Wonder Boys of Arkansas Tech were named in 1919. Guess things were different back then… These days, just think the guy who plays Iron Man also played a Wonder Boy.
  10. Horned Frogs is the name of a team that I’ve always liked, Texas Christian University (TCU). Now, there are a lot of awesome things you can do with the name of this team, but to keep it PG I’ve always just called them the Horned Toads.
  11. Trolls is the name of the Trinity Christian College team, in Illinois. Irony is that they’re not very Christian beasts. Named in ’59, they were already out of all the good names by the time he got to town…
  12. Cornhuskers is the name of the teams at the University of Nebraska. I have loved watching them over the years and they’re probably one of the biggest names on this list. The reason I put them on here is that if you think about it, people who husk corn is a weird thing to name a team after… Of course, to continue picking on the Big Ten, so are Buckeyes and Golden Gophers. Then again, you’d expect funny names for teams in a conference where they haven’t learned to count past 10 (there are 12 teams in the Big 10).
  13. Hoosiers are the University of Indiana and a term in fact used to refer to those from Indiana. To continue picking on the Big 10, this term also has no real known origin but dates back to the 1830s before football was awesome. So there ya’ go. It’s funny, many of these names sound weird if you’ve never heard them but if you watch sports they just seem second nature, like they belong…
  14. Billikins is the name given to teams of St Louis University. Billikins are elven charm dolls. Now, if you’re Tigg from Sons of Anarchy and you see one of these, you might just run off the field screaming. So if you play football against big burly bikers then hey, great name!
  15. Cobbers is the name of the team at Concordia University. Apparently corn is somehow linked to football.
  16. Fighting Artichokes is the name of the Scottsdale Community College team. ‘Cause nothing strikes fear into carnivorous football players more than the thought of having to eat a thistle!
  17. Aggies is the name of the Texas A&M team (that just beat the #1 ‘Bama Crimson Tide tonight). This isn’t actually a weird name once you wonder and realize it’s short for Agriculture, the A in the name. The Aggies are part of the Big 12, by the way. A conference that doesn’t have 12 teams. TCU is also in the Big 12 now, although it’s their 3rd conference in as many years…
  18. Jumbos of Tufts University are not named after 300 pound lineman. Instead, they’re named after an elephant donated by Barnum after it died and got stuffed by taxidermists. I guess not everyone can name their team the Crimson Tide and then have a picture of an elephant, right… Anyway, I put this on the list ’cause it makes me think of the movie Dumbo. That’s all…
  19. Geoducks (geo is pronounced gooey) is the name of the Evergreen State College (Washington) teams. I now know that a Geoduck is the largest burrowing clam in the world. Their mascot dresses as a mollusks which must be terrifying for opposing teams that have shellfish allergies. “Go, Geoducks, go, Through the mud and the sand, Let’s go. Siphon high, squirt it out, Swivel all about, Let it all hang out.”
  20. Fighting Camels is the name of the Campbell University team. But the name of the school or team isn’t why they are on this list as much as the name of the mascot. Here he is:
  21. Scrotie is the unofficial mascot of the Rhode Island School of Design. This isn’t a team name. But they have the hockey team called the Nads and the basketball team named the Balls. I’ll let you google image the mascot yourself and spare you the imagery here…
  22. Fighting Pickles is the name of the North Carolina School of the Arts teams. It’s an art school… But you’d be surprised how similarly their pickle looks like Scrotie above!
  23. Dirtbags is just an awesome name. And very Long Beach in some ways. There’s not much more to say about California State University-Long Beach.
  24. Banana Slugs is my second most favorite name weird name around. If you’ve ever been to Santa Cruz, you probably understand why marijuana was legalized in California. If so, then this name makes sense; otherwise, not-so-much. Trivia: in 1985, the administration wanted to name the team the sea lions. The students, high though they may be, ended up winning out and the Banana Slugs it was!
  25. Ragin’ Cajuns is probably my favorite of these. Louisiana-Lafayette is Cajun country and the name of this team dates back to the 1970s, although they’ve been playing football since 1901.
Runner ups, dropping out of the top 25 for one reason or another: Black Flies, Pomona Sagehens (The Huns was an awesome name), Gorlocks (named from Gore and Lockwood, two streets that intersect, their mascot is actually a cheetah/buffalo/St Bernard mix that would make Napoleon Dynamite totally jealous), the NYU Violets, the University of New England Nor’easters, Chaparrals, Chanticleers, Lemmings, Poets, Squirrels, Thundering Herd (I’m guessing the only Buffalo in Huntington West Virginia is the Buffalo Wild Wings on 4th), Ladies and Gents, University of Delaware Blue Hens, Student Princes, the Hustlin’ Quakers of Earlham College, Sooners (I picked on the Big 12 too much already), Tulsa’s Golden Hurricane, the Zips, the Lutes (no really, another Christian school, too), Shockers (whoever thought up WuShock was certainly struck by lightning), Terrapins (ya, nothing says we average 8 days for a 40 yard dash like the Terps), the Boilermakers (I picked on the Big 10 too much already), the Green Terror, the Keelhaulers, the Gamecocks (the baseball caps they sell at the campus store just say COCKS), the Bridges (I guess it is Brooklyn after all), the Fighting Koalas, the South Dakota School of Mines HardRockers (didn’t they beat Minnesota a couple of years ago along with everyone else in the Dakotas?!?!), the Lord Jeffs (srsly?), the Okras (okra scares the crap out of me) and of course, any team with a Swallow for a mascot (college, pro, etc).
Note: I’ve tried to leave out any teams named after Native American tribes.
Now that I’ve probably managed to offend pretty much every sports fan, I’ll tell you that I love these names. I didn’t call this article the “25 Dumbest Names for College Teams” or the “25 Stupidest Names in College Sports.” There’s a reason for that. I love all these teams. And honestly, it would seem somewhat trite for most of these teams to be called the Bulldogs, the Falcons, the Braves, the Hawks, the Thrashers, the Georgia Southern Eagles, the Valdosta State Blazers or the Mercer Bears. But if you’ve had a name for decades then you kinda’ stick with it, trite, silly or awesome. Now, let’s go get some Fighting Pickles tats!

2012 Penn State MacAdmins Conference

Don’t let the theft of the Paternoville sign fool ya’, State College is as safe as ever. That is, until a bunch of Mac guys descend on the Nittany Lion Shrine. Yes, it’s that time of the year again when Mac guys from around the world (and yes, all of the speakers are male) descend upon Pennsylvania State University from throughout the Big 10 and beyond to discuss the Penn State mascot, the Nittany Lion. Actually, it’s a mountain lion, so we can’t discuss it quite yet at that point, but we can talk about a slightly bigger cat: Lion.

Lion deployment, scripted tools, Munki, InstaDMG, Puppet, migrations, “postPC,” PSU Blast, Dual Boot, NetBoot, reboot (just threw that in there because it sounded like it fit, but I’m sure much rebooting will be done anyway) and even iOS. Oh, and don’t forget lecture capture, launchd, monitoring, scripting, Boot Camp via BitTorrent (wait, what?), Damn Logs, Subversion (long live git), IPv6 (long live IPv4), DeployStudio (long live the French), Reposado (long live the mouse), Luggage, Casper (long live Minnesota!), ARD (long live the friggin’ App Store), troubleshooting, FileVault (long live Howard Hughes’ legacy), Tivoli (long live that 1984 video), Munki (crap, I already said that) and even iPad (which runs iOS I think). Overall, the lineup is superb and looking at it, I am honored to be giving a session on Lion Server amidst all the cool stuff going on around me. I’m very impressed with the number and level of speakers and very excited to be a part of it. I’m also excited to be participating with Allister Banks, a cohort from 318, who will be giving talks on InstaDMG and Munki. Overall, it is sure to be a great conference and I look forward to hopefully seeing you all there if I don’t get arrested at the airport for wearing University of Minnesota socks. Speaking of the Big 10. Did you know there are 12 teams in the Big 10? Did you know the Big East now has teams in Idaho and California? Did you know that the Big 12 has 10 teams? Did you know that the Pac 12 has 4 teams in 3 states that don’t touch the Pacific ocean? What does all this mean? No, it does not mean that we will discuss basic arithmetic and geography at the conference; however, we might show off some apps that can help the math professors at the member institutions of these higher education conferences teach these basic subjects a bit better. Disclaimer: I went to the University of Georgia and am required by having done so to poke fun at other conferences whenever it is possible. Having said that: how many Georgia programmers does it take to change a light bulb? … … They can’t, it’s a hardware problem! OK, terrible joke. So here’s a picture of the Georgia mascot chomping down on an opposing (Auburn) player. Seems like I’m going through football season withdrawals all of a sudden… Point of all this, go to the conference. It’s sure to be a hoot, and I’m sure there will be plenty of talk about football, er, I mean Mountain Lions, er, wait, I mean Mac OS X and iOS!

Observing Game Day

In Part I of our look at college football this season, we discussed how you never know what’s going to happen. Trying to figure out what a bunch of college kids are going to do is like trying to write regular expressions when your slashes are flipped the wrong way and you are making typos at the same time. And boy, Ole Miss sure made some serious fat fingers when they lost in an embarrassing debacle against a team in a lower division than them, Jacksonville State. And then there was Kansas, only managing to put up a field goal, which is 3 points, against North Dakota State in the first time they managed an upset against a Big 12 team. But that’s the thing, kids will be kids… The message for part II of our College Game Day analysis is about old hatreds being hard to die. You see, the University of Georgia dominated Florida for a long time. Then along came this little schmuck named Steve Spurrier. Then Florida turned the tide against Georgia and began to win. And instead of Georgia going for national titles, it was Florida that dominated that part of the South Eastern Conference (SEC). Spurrier left Florida for the NFL, where he had a short and lackluster career before returning to college football to take over for the South Carolina Gamecocks. At this point, I don’t really care whether or not Georgia beats Florida. I only care that I get to see an angry Steve Spurrier throw his visor against the ground, cursing at my Bulldogs. So the first hatred that is hard to die, is that of the opposing coach. With Georgia ranked 22 and South Carolina ranked 24, it will be interesting to see whether either team, currently distracted with off the field blunders, will manage to pull themselves together and play like they mean business. Some things you just can’t forget. If the Cisco guy decides to hold the entire city of San Francisco hostage then my guess is that he’s not going to be able to get a job doing Cisco stuff there any more (if he ever gets out of prison). Miami just can’t forget a loss to Ohio State, who is currently ranked #2 in the country and seems an early favorite to play for a national title berth. But Miami, ranked #12, is out for blood. Reason is that in 2003, Miami (who had previously won 34 games in a row and was a national title contender every year) went down to Ohio State, who had been a bit lackluster before that but who now is a perennial national title contender. Understandably, Miami is thinking that a win will turn the tide back their way. It’s akin to if MySpace could beat Facebook in Halo though; Facebook would still have a better site, but if you really liked Halo and you had to make a choice between working for MySpace and Facebook, you might eventually end up working at MySpace. Is that analogy a stretch? Probably, but the point is that another type of hatred is the hatred you feel for a team you think stole your mojo (like with Austin Powers, you gotta’ go get your mojo back). The next form of hatred goes back a long, long way. Back to Alabama still being mad about northerners meddling in their affairs. The new south has lost much of the memory that was seared into its mind of the loss of a war. But in many a small town throughout the south, Penn State will be boo’d, with that old man that only science can be keeping alive (no, not Favre, Paterno) coaching against the man that could win the Governor’s seat in Alabama if he wanted, having won a national title last year, Nick Saban. Without last years Heisman Trophy winner, who is likely to sit the game out due to injury, the Tide may have a little bit of trouble against the Nittany Lions, who happen to be starting a true freshman. That means an 18 year old sitting there with millions watching him on the interwebs – like the star wars kid (over 18 MILLION views?!?!?!), only he’ll need better moves with the Alabama line frothing at the mouth to eat him alive… Then there’s Florida State and Oklahoma. Really, there’s not a lot of hatred here, just a team on the rise (Florida State) and a team that has been good for a long time (Oklahoma). Perl vs. Python: they each have their uses, but no one really looks down on either (unless you’re a Ruby guy from USC, but then you look down on everything always anyway, despite the obvious flaws in your own program – DOH)… The only other games to note are:
  • Oregon vs. Tennessee – Oregon will either win big (as they are projected) or falter as they tend to do at least once a season. When your QB goes stealing laptops and you’re stuck with a new guy, it could take a little time to get things worked out. But then, the QB ended up at Ole Miss where he is not exactly doing so hot, now is he (those laptops were obviously running Windows Millennium thus causing a big massive horrible terrible Karma drain for both Massoli the QB and the Ducks)…
  • Virginia Tech vs. James Madison – Expect VT to treat James Madison like Ballmer would like to treat the iPhone! After their loss to Boise State last week, the Hokies are going to have a lot of aggression to unload on someone.
  • Idaho vs. Nebraska – Not really, the Huskers are going to decimate the Vandals, but I love sayin’ Vandals…
  • Minnesota vs. North Dakota St. Er, I mean South Dakota. After a loss in 2007 to North Dakota State, the Golden Gophers of Minnesota can’t forget that they still have some players from that team around when they go up against the South Dakota Coyotes (True men don’t kill Coyotes, in case you haven’t heard). What should be an easy win… Well, I’ll believe it when I see it…
  • Notre Dame vs. Michigan – I never thought I’d see the day that neither team is ranked. Both are locked and loaded with talent and on any given Saturday could win any game they play. Both have had (or have had) nobs for coaches, but both could literally end up with a national title and the ESPN guys would be saying “I saw that comin’.” You know, like we all say about the emergence of Google (or not). BTW, some day remind me to tell you about my theory about Charlie Weiss vs. Haynesworth and the whole golf cart thing…

Game Day is Finally Here!

For those of us who like football (and specifically college football), we’ve been waiting all year for this. Many of us have watched with great embarrassment as our teams collectively made some of the worse off-field blunders since the beginning of time (which is for me is since 1892 when the University of Georgia played their first football game). But now we’re ready to put all the locking of players in oubliettes, smacking around players, coaches suing coaches, coaches suing schools, court battles over whether or not coaches can sue schools, coaches driving hammered and both coaches and players beating people up behind us, pin our ears back and play some good, old fashioned football (or at least watch it if we’re out of our playing years). But that’s us, the ones that like football. What about the majority of my readers? Those of you who have been with me since the beginning will remember a time when I posted a lot about Georgia football. For those of you who had no clue what I was talking about when I referenced football, I have a weekly column I’m going to do for the next few months. Many of you work for higher education environments. And this time of the year can be very trying if you don’t follow the team, or even college football. Others get stuck at the water cooler, looking at your feet as the people who you have absolutely no trouble talking to the rest of the year get lost in a religious fervor known as football. So I’m going to give you some tasty morsels, even if you have no idea what a spiral is, who “Bear” is or why I consider Tim Tebow to have been the spawn of satan (and he was, I assure you). If you choose to read these articles then “you gonna’ get a’ edumacation, son.” The quote of the week is “anything is possible.” This week is, for many big schools, an easy week. Florida, the number 4 team in the country plays Miami of Ohio. The only team with anything to loose here is Florida. You see, they will win that game. But if something weird happens (about as possible as a kext loading up properly on a Windows 7 computer), and somehow they manage to not win it big, then they will drop in the rankings. And in the power elite of college football, the rankings are almost everything. Also, if Florida looses, their  coach will have a heart attack (Urban Meyer, as much as I despise Florida is a great football coach who has a poorly programmed heart) and they will go back to the mediocrity they knew when Ron Zook was their coach (he couldn’t even coach a team of salesmen at Fry’s – sorry Illini, it’s true, I mean really, the veer option?!?!). But even though San Jose State shouldn’t be able to beat #1 Alabama and Western Kentucky shouldn’t have a shot against #8 Nebraska, there seems to be a surprise every year, like when Appalachian State defeated the mighty Michigan Wolverines. And one team that shouldn’t be able to win this week is likely to do so. Therefore, if some team called Samford that no one has ever heard of manages to eek a historic victory out against a team like #20 Florida State and this comes up at the water cooler, just say “anything is possible.” After all, whether they’re being payed or not (can you imaging writing code for free?), they’re still just a bunch of kids… And if on Friday you see people going through a manic episode as their anticipation is getting the best of them (you know, like you and I might have over the new iOS), just ask “where are they ranked pre-season?” and you will immediately be back into the water cooler talk (despite having no clue what it all means)! Finally, if you would actually like to watch some games, then the Utah vs Pittsburgh game is sure to be a good one, as is the TCU vs Oregon State (DO NOT BET $ ON THAT GAME) game and the LSU vs North Carolina game. For that last game, given that North Carolina has some issues, I wouldn’t plan on rooting for them. They’re likely to have some star players out and LSU is likely to capitalize on that (plus LSU could probably pwn a fully weaponized UNC anyway, even if Butch Davis has a better coach than LSU does). The best game of the weekend though, might just be Boise State vs. Virginia Tech. These are two top 10 teams, both incredibly well coached and both playing to remain in contention for the national title. Expect some pretty good football here! Extra Credit: If (you live on the west coast or in Utah) and (Utah manages to beat Pittsburg) then (say “Utah sure is acting like a Pac 10 team so far!”) Disclaimer: If I have angered you with a comment I made about your team here, then please smile in anticipation of the USC rant that is building up inside me and compare to that at a later date.

2009-2010 College Football Bowl Schedule

EagleBank Bowl Army or UCLA vs. Temple December 29 4:30 pm ET ESPN $1 million
New Mexico Bowl Fresno State vs. Wyoming December 19 4:30 pm ET ESPN $750,000
St. Pete Bowl UCF vs. Rutgers December 19 8 pm ET ESPN $1 million
Las Vegas Bowl Oregon State vs. BYU December 22 8 pm ET ESPN $1 million
New Orleans Bowl Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee December 20 8:30 pm ET ESPN $325,000
Poinsettia Bowl Utah vs. Cal December 23 8 pm ET ESPN $750,000
Hawaii Bowl Nevada vs. SMU December 24 8 pm ET ESPN $398,000
Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl Marshall vs. Ohio December 26 1 pm ET ESPN $750,000
Meineke Bowl Pitt vs. North Carolina December 26 4:30 pm ET ESPN $1 million*
Champs Sports Bowl Miami vs. Wisconsin December 29 8 pm ET ESPN $2.25 million
Emerald Bowl Boston College vs. USC December 26 8 pm ET ESPN $850,000
Independence Bowl Texas A&M vs. Georgia December 28 5 pm ET ESPN $1.1 million
PapaJohns.com Bowl South Carolina vs. UConn January 2 2 pm ET ESPN $300,000
Alamo Bowl Michigan State vs. Texas Tech January 2 9 pm ET ESPN $2.25 million
Humanitarian Bowl Bowling Green vs. Idaho December 30 4:30 pm ET ESPN $750,000
Holiday Bowl Arizona vs. Nebraska December 30 8 pm ET ESPN $2.13 million
Texas Bowl Navy vs. Missouri December 31 3:30 pm ESPN $500,000 Big East, $750,000 Big 12
Armed Forces Bowl Houston vs. Air Force December 31 12 noon ESPN $600,000
Insight Bowl Minnesota vs. Iowa State December 31 6 pm ET NFL Network $1.2 million
Sun Bowl Oklahoma vs. Stanford December 31 2 pm ET CBS $1.9 million
Music City Bowl Kentucky vs. Clemson December 27

8:30pm ET

ESPN $1.6 million
Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee
December 31 7:30 pm ET ESPN $3.25 million ACC, 2.4 million for SEC
Outback Bowl Northwestern vs. Auburn January 1 11 am ET ESPN $3 million
Gator Bowl West Virginia vs. Florida State January 1 1 pm CBS $2.5 million
Capital One Bowl Penn State vs. LSU January 1 1 pm ET ABC $4.25 million
Rose Bowl Ohio State vs. Oregon January 1 4:30 pm ET ABC $17 million
Orange Bowl Iowa vs. Georgia Tech January 5 8 pm FOX $17 million
Cotton Bowl Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss January 2 2 pm FOX $3 million
Liberty Bowl Arkansas vs. East Carolina January 2 5:30 pm ET ESPN $1.7 million
Sugar Bowl Florida vs. Cincinnati January 1 8:30 pm FOX $17 million
International Bowl South Florida vs. Northern Illinois January 2 12 pm ET ESPN2 $750,000
Fiesta Bowl Boise State vs. TCU January 4 TBA FOX $17 million
GMAC Bowl Central Michigan vs. Troy January 6 7 pm ET ESPN $750,000
BCS Championship Bowl Texas vs. Alabama January 7 8 pm ET FOX $17 million